GARFIELD FUCKING KILLS EVERYONE
by SalamiNips
Summary: Garfield goes on a murderous rampage with his shotgun. Old English version included in chapter 2.
1. English Version

GARFIELD FUCKING KILLS EVERYONE

AN: Imagine this is being recited orally in old english like a traditional reading of Beowulf. It makes it a thousand times better.

Garflef the monday boy was minding his own business, eating his monday pasta cake (lasang) and generally being a conceited cunt, like always. "I despise the monday" he griped, shoveling handfuls of pasta cake into his fat, greasy gullet. He was tanning in a sunbeam and catspreading to take up as much room as possible. " _Mondag needs to_ _ **DIE**_ _._ " he said in a dark edgy voice, like Batman from the Nolan movies but if he sold meth.

Odie noticed that Garflegm was upset and went over to comfort him by sniffing his face, because he was a dog. Garfleem mistakenly thought Odie was sniffing his lasorgne and got territorial. "Odie! I have had it with your bullshit! I will end your life!" He cried, pulling his secret shotgun out form under the couch. Garfield loaded it up, aimed at Odie's head, and pulled the trigger. His head exploded into gore and covered Gorgflak's face like warpaint.

All of Garfuck's monday problems seemed to swarm his consciousness and cloud his vision like gnats on discarded fruit, swarming and buzzing endlessly. Jon ran into the room after hearing the shotgun go off. He screamed "GargleFleef what the fuck?!" after witnessing his housecat covered in glood, teeth, and lasorgny. "You have wronged me for the last time, Jon." Gortflam said menacingly, aiming the shotgun at Jon's face. "But I give you everything you want! All you do is sit in the livingroom and complain while you shovel lasagna into your face!" Jon retorted, full of fear and the sandwich he just ate a few minutes ago. Gurgfield looked unblinkingly into Jon's eyes and said, "You can insult my layered pasta later... _**IN HELL.**_ " and pulled the trigger.

Jon's brain exploded all over the living room. His head looked like a watermelon someone bored into with a garden shovel for some reason instead of eating it in chunks or slices like a normal person because that'd probably be a lot less messy. But Gerglefleem wasn't concerned about the mess. Jon wouldn't be around to worry about it. Gortfeild summoned the deepest regions of his diaphragm, awakening his inner lion and let out a primal warrior's battlecry: "LAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOLLLRRGNGGGGNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

GirdleFeel made his way through the front door, shotgun in hand and covered in gore. He approached the mailman, who was making his rounds through the neighborhood.

"Hey there, Garf-HYEGHK!" Garfield interrupted him with his shotgun then jerked off and ejaculated onto his remains. "Wh-what?" the mailman choked out his final confused words. "What was that..?"

"That's my penis." Garflirg said and then another explosion of fire escaped his shotgun, silencing him once and for all. Then Gourdfilk made his way to the bus stop. He had a plan. He set out on a mission.

The bus pulled up and opened its doors for Gyrefeelg, who promptly shot and killed the bus driver. "Hey, you can't do that!" one of the passengers yelled. Gnarkfield walked up to him, took out his giant, thick, neat, veiny penis, used it as a bat and beat the man to death. "THIS IS MY FUCKING BUS NOW! UNDERSTAND?" The bus was silent. Garfield assumed command of the wheel and slammed on the gas. The engine screamed in pain at Grelfleeg for pushing it beyond its limits but it would not dare stop. The police did not chase him because they were busy doing their taxes, as it was tax season and they had to be responsible.

Any vehicle in Garfragle's way was either flung into the opposite lane or turned into dust. He was going so fast that he was nearly ripping the space time continuem. Gnargfleld ate his lansasagnasnangnsangnna that he packed for his trip and drove with his knee. All of the passenger's skin flew off of their bones as a sacrifice to the ancient forgotten blood gods. Gortflesh was approaching the gates of the military base where they kept the nuclear launch button. They were also doing their taxes, so they didn't notice the bus coming straight for them and bending the reality around it.

The bus eviscerated the walls of the base and vaporized all in its path whether it was living or not. Geerphlegm stepped out and made his way down below the base. The military tried to stop him but he reflected all of the bullets with his large penis, spinning it in helicopter motion. "Hes too strong!" the commander screamed and shot himself. Granflakes killed the rest with his fucking shotgun. "Move out of the way!" he roared, lasergna flying out of his snout.

As Gneergflak descended further into the depths of the base, he came across hundreds of POW's cleaning out a trash compactor. Gnortfuchs sneered at them and decreed, with his hand upon the lever that would activate the compactor, "For years, I have depended upon humankind to bring me the lasagn. But today, humankind will _be_ my lagina!" and he pulled the lever! The desperate screams and cries, the bone crunching of both the guilt ridden and the falsely accused rang out like a symphony of death lasorgny and kissed Geerflel's kawaii neko ears. =^.^= Gjarkflak descended into the compactor and _consumed the humanpasta._

GregFliel ventured further into the base, passing the bioweapon test labs and alien research terminals. They were not important. He made a beeline for the nuclear launch room. He blasted open the door and saw an old bearded man huddled in the corner with the big red button. He was a lot like the computers controlling the nukes in the present day: fucking old. "I have been sentenced to this room since the 50's and I'll be damned if the commies think they can do me over!" he screamed maniacly and pulled out an old rusted tommy gun. Gritsflend is cool so none of the bullets hit him. "I am not the Soviets. _I AM GRARGFLENK!_ " and made the man explode into blood and gore, like lasagna sauce. Garkfleek picked up the button and stood silent. His mission was complete, save for one more step.

Garfield grinned and said, "I will destroy monday!" and pushed the button. With one swift motion, the earth was destoryed and monday ceased to exist.

Spiritfield now drifts through space as the god of war and L'asornaga. He instills the first spark of violence as well as the longing for italian foods in intelligent species across the cosmos. Any civilization that has develouped mondays, he destroys. At night, look out your windows and give your praise to Gjorkflagn. If your people have mondays however, _pray he does not find you._


	2. Old English Version

[GARFIELD] ABREOTAN MANNCYNN 

[Garflef] wægn [monday] hysebeorðor beon [minding] sîn âgnian [vehicleiness], ofermicel sîn [monday] [pasta] foca [(lasang)] mid edwist tîma idel, angelic woruld."yfel âgîemelêasian dôð [monday]" swilc besprecan, scufan beorh râd [pasta] ceace wiðinnan his of hê rysel, fætt mundbyrdan woddor. Swilc beon geard innan hlêg sunnanlêoma æghwæðer ge [catspreading]beniman ûpweard swilce miclum sæl salu geond êaðelic."[Mondag] nîedesdiegan _gefaran_." swilc cweþan into dimf b¯æm nifol [edgy] organ, onlic [Batman] ±unnen and thing dôð [Nolan] [movies] ymbe ð¯ær and there mâl [sold] [meth].

[Odie] undergietan ðone as [Garflegm] beon mierran adverbial phrases feran oferehyht of hê of [sniffing] sîn nebb, hwæðre sê beon tîma docga. [Garfleem] gedwola tôsetednes [Odie] beon [sniffing] sîn [lasorgne] hwæðere [got] [territorial]."[Odie]! yfel warian habban ðæge pro wið êower [bullshit]! yfel setnes buttuc êower hw¯æst!" mâl [cried], [pulling] sîn calm swol crycc ûpgetêon blêo blêos onunder dôð hôbanca. [Garfield] [loaded] hit hê uppe, [aimed] to [Odie's] brægnloca, mid [pulled] sê [trigger]. Sîn brægnloca [exploded] wiðinnan gâra ðêah−hwæðere hroden [Gorgflak's] hîwl¯æcan efen [warpaint]. [

All] râd [Garfuck's] [monday] [problems] [seemed]swirman sîn witt êac rêo sîn lêorednes mæc [gnats] hw¯ær [discarded] wæstm, [swarming] ymbe [buzzing] [endlessly]. [Jon] [ran] binnan sê sæl salu æftum hîering dôð sweoðol trymð hwearfian wiðûtan. Mâl [screamed]"[GargleFleef] [what] dôð [fuck]?!" into [witnessing] his of hê [housecat] ymbhammen nêan [glood], [teeth], forð¯æm [lasorgny]."êow hlêotan [wronged] me æghwæðer ge ðone as lator tîd, [Jon]." [Gortflam] cweþan [menacingly], [aiming] ðone as fýren repel to [Jon's] scieppan."ðêah−hwæðere yfel âgan êower ðêos êower feormian! [All] êower winnan [is] sittanm¯æst [livingroom] by reason of cîdan êow sped glaucoma [lasagna] innan êower nebwlite!" [Jon] [retorted],ðyrel ondesnes swâðêah sê [sandwich] hê hê indicates laughter rihtlic [ate] bêgra hwôn [minutes] [ago]. [Gurgfield] [looked] [unblinkingly] innan [Jon's] [eyes] ðêah cweþan,"êower canne têona mîn [layered] [pasta] ufor... To [HELL]." adverbial phrases [pulled] sê [trigger].[

Jon's] ex [exploded] [all] ôferlifiende rûmian. Sîn hafela [looked] angelic bâm [watermelon] [someone] [bored] innan wið twihynde wyrttûn phlegm ymbe tôhwega and creaturestæl ungemetgod sê into [chunks] hw¯æðer ððe [slices] +lîce forms used as a [normal] hâd for ðâm ðe [that'd] [probably] sý wýscan hlýte l¯æs [messy]. Gên [Gerglefleem] [beonn't] [concerned] hw¯ær wægn [mess]. [Jon] [wouldn't] faran bûtantirgan bufan hê. [Gortfeild] [summoned] ðone as [deepest] [regions] of his of hê midhrif, eft¯ærist his of hê innor lêonfl¯æsc sifeðamûðettan dimf b¯æm frumcenned [warrior's] [battlecry]:"[LAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOLLLRRGNGGGGNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA]!" [

GirdleFeel] fæstlic his of hê wîse hinder dôð ord mûð, bl¯æstm sâg−ol onemn mund lôca in ymbhammen ufan sculdorhrægl. Mâl [approached] ðone as [mailman], ðêos beon macung sîn [rounds] siððon wægn [neighborhood].[

]"[Hey] [there], [Garf-HYEGHK]!" [Garfield] [interrupted] hêo mid sîn bladesian repel ðærrihtes [jerked] ûtweard from [ejaculated] [onto] sîn wuduwe."[Wh-what]?" dôð [mailman] [choked] ûpgetêon sîn ende−nêhst mengedlic hlêoðorcwide."[What] beon ðêah..?"[

]"[That's] mîn pintel." [Garflirg] cweþan verb eftsôna [another] [explosion]lîgen [escaped] sîn bryne−wylm steng, [silencing] hêo recene gên ðêana [all]. Hwonne [Gourdfilk] stearc his of hê foldweg oðtêon wægn wægn oflinnan. Hê hê indicates laughter habban bâm r¯æd. Mâlfêran nêan bâm message. [

The] wægn [pulled] ûpweardes sôðhweðere [opened] sîn [doors] swâðêana [Gyrefeelg], ðætte hwætlîce wierp nymðe dêaðcwylmende ðone as wægn wiss−iend."[Hey], êower [can't] ðrôwian ðêah!" hrêðêadig un−l¯æd wægn [passengers] [yelled]. [Gnarkfield] [walked]oð him of hê, [took] ût his of hê gîgant, stîð, nêat, [veiny] pintel, fîllende hîefram from hreaðemûs lôc âwrecan duguð mago into nýdgedâl."yfel [AM] gîet dryhtenweard un−l¯æd dôð [VEHICLE]!" ðone as scrid beon swîge. [Garfield] [assumed] bod un−l¯æd wægn hweohl by reason of [slammed]ûteweard [gas]. Duguð searocræft [screamed] un−feor gîeming in [Grelfleeg] for ðý ðe scyfe sê ûtor sîn [limits] mid hit hê [would] n¯ænig pro ðrîstian forclyccan. Sê [police] [did] hnot wâð of hê ðêah sê [were] [vehicley] macung sîn [taxes], oð ðæge pro beon gafol stempan hwæðere hîe habbanw¯ære [responsible].[

Any] wægn hwon [Garfragle's] faru beon bûtû [flung] wiðinnan ðone as foran lanu oððe [turned] binnan speld. Mâl beon sîð adverbial phrases fæst landriht 'land−right sê beon lýtesne [ripping] ðone as met tîd [continuem]. [Gnargfleld] [ate] sîn [lansasagnasnangnsangnna] ðêah sê [packed] ðigen sîn [trip] gên [drove] wið his of hê cnêowian. [All] orgilde sê [passenger's] hyrð [flew] wiðûtan râd sîn b¯ænefram from fornêðan forniman dôð gêo−gêara [forgotten] drêor [gods]. [Gortflesh] beon tôweard dôð [gates] orgilde duguð camplic hetegrim ð¯ær and there sê [kept] wægn [nuclear] [launch] sigil. Hîe [were] verb macung sîn [taxes], adverbial phrases ðæge pro [didn't] hâwian duguð scrid ofercyme reclic ac ðæge pro lôc onbêgnes dôð trêowð ymbe hîe.[

The] scrid [eviscerated] ðone as [walls] of duguð ârlêas swâðêana [vaporized] [all] ætrihte sîn sîðfat heonu hit hê beon wunung ðe ðritig n¯ænig pro. [Geerphlegm] [stepped] weorpan sôðhweðere pîslic sîn fær a−dûn under dôð unârlic. Wægn mîlitisc [tried]oðstillan hêo êac swilc niman [all] orgilde duguð [bullets] wið his of hê sîd pintel, towcræft man un−feor [helicopter] fêðung."[Hes] for ðý ðe stearc!" wægn hildewîsa [screamed] adverbial phrases wierp man. [Granflakes] dêaðcwylmende sê âhildan mid his of hê [fucking] bryne−wylm sceaft."scrîðanð¯ærûte duguð sîðfæt!" swilc [roared], [lasergna] flêogendlic sîn wrôt.[

As] [Gneergflak] [descended] hradian intô with duguð [depths] of sê grammôd, in ofere [hundreds] râd [POW's] hlýttrung weorpan bêga [trash] [compactor]. [Gnortfuchs] [sneered] ætrihte ðâs lôca in [decreed], mid sîn mund uppe dôð [lever] ðætte [would] [activate] ðone as [compactor],"adverbial phrases [years], yfel rômian [depended] uppe [humankind]bringan me [lasagn]. Hwæðere [today], [humankind] scêad sý mîn [lagina]!" from mâl [pulled] dôð [lever]! wægn or−wêne [screams] swâðêahhwæðre [cries], ðone as member [crunching] orgilde bâm dôð scyldignes [ridden] sôðlic wægn [falsely] [accused] [rang] ûpgetêon lîcian weargbr¯æde [symphony]flânhred [lasorgny] tôêacan and [kissed] [Geerflel's] [kawaii] [neko] [ears]. [=^].[^=] [Gjarkflak] [descended] innan duguð [compactor] meltan [consumed] sê [humanpasta].[

GregFliel] [ventured] gîet wiðinnan wægn cealdheort, hwîlen wægn [bioweapon] âfandian [labs] ðêah feorran [research] [terminals]. Hîe [were] nâteshwôn hefig. Swilc hêore bêgra [beeline] ðe dôð [nuclear] [launch] rýmet. Sê [blasted] dægcûð wægn mûð hwæt selenes cyning fyrndagas [bearded] carl [huddled]m¯æst wincel wið dôð [big] rêad oferfeng. Swilc beon bêgra tôdâl angelic wægn [computers] [controlling] ðone as [nukes]m¯æst fadung tîdd¯æg: [fucking] ealdian."yfel sellan [been] [sentenced] (gyden tôhwon rýmet by dôð [50's] bûtan [I'll] wunian [damned] thither ðone as [commies] scêawian hê canne æfnan me ôfer!" hê hê indicates laughter [screamed] [maniacly] sôðhweðere [pulled] 1 wiðerbreca frôd [rusted] [tommy] [gun]. [Gritsflend] [is] cealdnes adverbial phrases nânne un−l¯æd ðone as [bullets] scêotan hêo."yfel [am] nealles ðone as [Soviets]. Yfel [AM] [GRARGFLENK]!" nâðýl¯æs ðicfeald duguð man [explode] innan blôd ðêah−hwæðere gâra, lîca [lasagna] [sauce]. [Garkfleek] [picked] ûpweardes ðone as ypplen wislic [stood] swîge. Sîn tîdung beon ansund, ânerian verb torhtmôd mâ tredel.[

Garfield] [grinned] ac cweþan,"yfel ðanc sc¯ænan [monday]!" æghwæðer ge [pushed] ðone as ypplen. Mid micellic flêotig fêðung, sê land beon [destoryed] adverbial phrases [monday] [ceased] to ðurhwunian. [

Spiritfield] hûru [drifts] uppan met oð dôð ôs of wîgende to [L'asornaga]. Mâl [instills] dôð forma ýsle un−l¯æd ðracusamod uppan sê wilnung forð¯æm [italian] [foods] lâst cyrten cynren ofer sê [cosmos]. Welhwilc pro [civilization] ðæt [has] [develouped] [mondays], swilc [destroys].ûhtsanglic niht,scêawian êower [windows] ge âgan êower lofl¯æcan forwards [Gjorkflagn]. Yonder êower ðêodscipe winnan [mondays] eornostlîce, sê [does] nâteshwôn ðurhtêon êow.


End file.
